Survival of the Nomad

On By vivicomfortIn LoveLeave a comment

“We all want things to stay the same, Settle for living in misery because we are afraid of change, of things crumbling to ruins. Then I looked around in this place, at the chaos it endured, the way it’s been adapted, burned, pillaged then found a way to build itself back up again, and I was reassured. Maybe my life hasn’t been so chaotic, and it’s just the World the way it is, and the only real trap is getting attached to any of it. Ruin is a gift; Ruin is the road to transformation. “

– Julia Roberts in “Eat, Pray, Love”

"Another Pinot Grigio please", I said to the bartender as I sat at the restaurant I frequented since I moved to San Di-freaking-Ego in January, 2023. "Dear God, this was supposed to be my dream", I whispered to myself, staring at the ambiance around me. I dreamt of this exact scene, except my heart was intact and I didn't have to pack my things and move away the next day. It was Friday and there was always Live music on Friday's. Today's genre was Reggae. I loved Reggae. Though my soul was aching, my feet were tapping to the rhythm of the beat. The old Vivi would have got up, grabbed a man (or a woman) and dragged them onto the dance floor to move her hips. She would have turned every head with the perfect synchronized sway of her body to the rhythm. Instead, I sat there, barely looking up, head downcast and heavy with a million thoughts colliding together. I replayed the past 7 years in my head like an old movie. As the black and white images came into focus, I felt tears stream down my face.

January 2017. I paced back and forth in the handicap stall at the employee restroom at Stevens Creek BMW. I had to make a decision and I had to make a decision fast! With my luck, this would be the day that someone with an actual handicap needed my humble refuge. This was the stall I always came to after every heartache since 2010. I would sit on the toilet and stare at the wall and cry, always thinking "Again? why me Lord?". With every heart break I've discovered different patterns on the wall in front of me. I've stared at that wall so many times through the tears, that I created "The Creation of Adam" by Michaelangelo in that dark marble. "No more!" I told myself. This will be the last time I will form artistic masterpieces staring at the lines in the Wall in front of me. I wiped my eyes, mustered up my faith and walked into my Boss' office and gave my resignation. I was moving to Southern California. I was moving to Irvine first and ultimately down to San Diego, the place I always envisioned myself settling in.  I looked up all the hiking spots, the Speak Easy's, the beaches with the perfect view of Sunsets and Sunrises and the best restaurants in town. I researched all the Church's and Bible study groups I was going to join. My heart was overwhelmed with excitement for this new chapter. I was 32, single and ready to explore California's dream city. "I think I'm going to learn surfing", I exclaimed with bright eyes. 2 Years later, I was driving back to San Jose with my ego, heart and dreams shattered. 

Fast forward to 2023, I was moving to San Diego again! When I first heard the news, I couldn't contain my excitement. Everything I ever dreamed of was coming to fruition. I was finally going back to my dream city, and I wasn't going to be alone this time. 7 exhausting months later, my dreams all came crumbling down. I was moving back to Irvine, then Eastvale. In the past 7 years, my life has taken me to Irvine, back to San Jose, then to San Diego and now I was moving to Irvine again. I was a nomad, not by choice but by circumstances. I did not belong anywhere; I did not have a place to call home. Living from a suitcase became my story and I was tired of it. Never in a million years did I imagine moving (yet again) when I moved to San Diego this year. I envisioned a new beginning, a fulfillment of the dreams I had in 2017. Yet here I was, leaving it all behind and moving back to where my future should have started 6 years ago.  

 As I was listening to "No woman, no cry" pouring through the speakers, I wiped my tears and stopped the reel of past disappointments spinning in my head. As the music got louder, I started swaying in my seat and a smile started spreading across my face. The music took over and I stood up to dance. This was Vivi. This is me. Despite the heartaches, the disappointments, the let downs and the endings, I danced. I always got up, picked myself up and danced. Swayed my way out of the feeling of failure, Salsa'd my way out of the regrets, tango'd my way back into the arms of hope. The chaos of my life will not drown me. I will survive. I always find a way to make it back up again. I may not have a permanent home just yet, but I had a permanent fighter inside of me. 

Sometimes life brings unexpected changes that feel like everything is ruined. But as Julia Robert's character said in "Eat, Pray, Love", Ruin is a gift, Ruin is a road to transformation. We can make plans, envision a perfect future, even start out on the Journey with positivity and everything can crumbling down. It doesn't mean we stay in the ruins; we learn to build ourselves up again. Learn from the mistakes, embrace the pain, wipe those tears and play your favorite song. Start swaying your shoulders, stand up and dance your way back into healing, happiness and a better future. 

Love Conquers all…even if it’s yourself.

Amor Vincit Omnia

On By vivicomfortIn FunnyLeave a comment

If you ask anyone who really knows my heart and soul to its depth, what my favorite phrase is, I can assure you that they will utter the words “Love conquers all.”

I remember being very young when I first read 1 Corinthians 13. I read that chapter over and over again and somewhere deep inside me a seed was planted. That seed was watered year after year with abundant hugs, kisses and adoration from my family. Every word of affirmation from my mother sprouted another leaf, every selfless Sacrifice from my dad shined like the sun on my tree. Every word of wisdom from my brother ( when we weren’t fighting like cats and dogs) gave birth to fruits of fulfillment. It grew and grew, as the roots of that tree dug deep within my Soul, nourished by my family and above all by my Faith in God. “Love is Kind”, “Love is Patient” “Love always protects” and “it’s not easily angered.” The words were etched all over this Tree of mine, growing stronger and stronger till it filled my whole heart. That’s when the phrase gave birth in my Soul, “Love conquers all.” To me, as long as there was Love, Nothing could ever hurt me. I was a superwoman, with this tree of Love as my super power

Until the day when my heart broke for the first time. It felt like someone took an Ax and chopped my tree down till nothing remained but the stump. Everything I believed Love to be was destroyed in me. My fragile, immature mind, could not comprehend the pain and could not understand the loss. I forgot about all the effort it took for my family to carefully give life to my Love from a young age. Instead I sat at the Stump in my heart and wept daily, at the demise of everything that was built. I was sure that this was it. Wisdom was a foe and wrath seemed to be my friend. I self destructed. Completely…wholly.

At my lowest, darkest moment, I opened up to 1 Corinthians 13. As I started reading this passage daily, the stump slowly began to rise again, coming back to life. It started sprouting leaves from the Words my mother spoke into my ear. Growing stronger day by day as my Father’s sacrifices shined brightly on my life, to help me get out of my rut. My brother shared his insight on life with me everyday, and the fruits of wisdom started slowly appearing again. This tree of Love grew and grew again inside me flourishing with the Love of my family and above all nourished by the Grace of my God, until it stood tall again.

It took a long time for me to realize that no matter how many times I got chopped down to a stump, by failures and rejection, this Heart of mine could never give up on Love. The roots that grow deep within my heart are intertwined with the ventricles of my Soul and are too strong to be destroyed. They are constantly nourished by amazing, unconditional Love. No matter what came, what comes and what may come my way, I know I have the strength in me to conquer it all with the Love I hold in me. No amount of pain from the past can ever destroy my belief. I know, Until the last breath leaves my body, I will Love fiercely, selflessly and relentlessly…because I am loved so.

This year so far has been one of the most profound exploration of Love. As new branches grew towards the sky reaching for the stars, stronger roots dug their way past so much fear and anxiety to take hold of a future, I so eagerly look forward to. There are many days when I struggle with the temptation to uproot this new chapter and compromise what God has already conquered, but that still voice within me reminds me that love conquers all. I’m beginning to Love harder, love despite the downfalls and Love beyond my own strength. I’ve been educated that Proper Love sometimes requires coming to the edge of destruction, in order to create stronger roots within us. It’s not until we prune away the past, that we can give life to a flourishing tree of authentic, raw Love.

Last but not least, I cannot wait for a day when I have a little one of my own. I will watch with eager anticipation as she or he opens up their Bible to read 1 Corinthians 13. I will sit next to him or her and gently water the seed that is planted in them by the Word of God.

“Love Conquers All”

The Origin of “Good Luck Vivi”

On By vivicomfortIn Faith, Funny, Love1 Comment

“I think I have a new investment idea!”. My Friends ears perked up when she noticed that a punchline did not follow that sentence, which is usually the case with me.

“Yea?” she said, sitting upright in her chair now, “What sort of investment?”

“Ok, have you seen the movie Good Luck Chuck?, well I’m convinced I’m the girl version!, so I was thinking of starting a similar business!”.

She almost fell off her chair as she heard my plan. I could see her extremely intelligent noggin go into over drive as she contemplated on how to approach this absurd idea. Her eyes started tracing my face to see if the corner of my lip was quivering, struggling to hold in the “Juuuussttt Keeeddding” that usually follows a out of the blue statement as such. Her pulse quickened a little bit when she saw a very straight face Vivi sitting in front of her.

Now if any of you have seen the movie “Good Luck Chuck” with Dane Cook and Jessica Alba, you know the plot and are probably staring at this post with wide eyes as well. Before you start drawing conclusions on where I’m going with this, lets give a quick break down of the plot to the 2% of people who HAVEN’T seen this movie and apparently live in Timbuctoo, under a rock.

“Cursed since childhood, dentist Charlie (Dane Cook) cannot find the right woman. Even worse he learns that each of his ex-girlfriends finds true love with the man she meets after her relationship with him ends. Hearing of Charlie’s reputation as a good-luck charm, women from all over line up for a quick tryst….”. Skkkkkkkrrrrttt. That’s where we are going to stop before I start getting phone calls from loved family members, asking me why I want to invest in mindless Trysts. Sidenote: Thank you IMDB for letting me copy that little paragraph for our simple friends who haven’t seen the movie.

Now lets go back to my friend on the chair, sitting on the edge of it with her hands on her chin, staring at me intently. “So you want to have a bunch of Trysts with dudes, so they find their true love after you and you charge them for it?” Now it was my turn to almost fall of my chair. “Whoa, back up bud! Did you just call me a hooker?” I said. We both busted out laughing at the obvious miscommunication regarding this and the preposterous conclusions we were both jumping into. “Nooooo dude!!!, but thanks for thinking that was even something I would consider! The Nomination for The Best Friend award has officially been changed. Jussssttt Keeeding!.” Her face relaxed a bit once she finally caught a glimpse of that humor she was desperately yearning for through this whole conversation.

“What I’m saying is, I think I’ve found a similar pattern with all the guys I have dated (Relax, No Trysts involved). Somehow every guy I have dated, has found the girl that they either married or are in a serious relationship with right after we ended our relationship.” I caught a split second of sympathy flash across her face before she composed herself and said what any good friend says, “Nooooo, that’s just a morbid coincidence. Don’t say that.” Fast forward to a few years later, a few more dates later. She looked me straight in the face and said “So, how do you think you want to go about capitalizing on these dudes?”

Now if you are one of the guys I’ve dated in the past and somehow how you ended up on this blog (you stalker you), I take VISA, Mastercard, Cash or Check. Listen, I’ve gotten over the whole “It’s not you, its me” speech, I just think I deserve a cut of your Happily Ever After.

Of course, that conversation with my friend was a joke, and we obviously still laugh about it from time to time when another one ties the knot. Yet, there have been nights when I laid in bed with the torn pieces of my heart in my hand, wishing him all the luck in the World with her, but feeling the pain of knowing I was not good enough. There were moments when the excruciating pain had to take a back seat when I had to be the one to give closure, knowing that I was prepping him for someone else. For it always ended with the same statement, “You are amazing, you deserve so much, whoever you end up with is a lucky guy.” Yet it didn’t change the fact that I was still not good enough! I slowly started stripping myself of all my confidence and started questioning my identity. I started slipping into a very dark place of insecurity, hurt and bitterness.

It wasn’t until that glorious day when I was sitting on the edge of my bed with my shoulders heavy with hurt, that I understood myself. It was when God met me at my Lowest. I had music playing on YouTube and “You say” by Lauren Daigle started playing on my TV. As the words reached my ears and started sinking into my Soul, tears started flowing down my cheeks. I felt worth, value, peace, love and above all Faith rush into my Heart. I fell to my knees as the Words from the song were being spoken to me from God via the voice of Lauren Daigle. I couldn’t breathe, because the Love that poured from Above was beyond overwhelming. It was at that place, Love began its restoration process. In this deconstruction of myself, I understood the heart breaks of my life.

You see the thing with heart breaks is that they are never easy, especially if you’re on the receiving end of the blow. If not processed correctly, it can destruct us. Completely destroy us. What we fail to understand is that our value and worth is not a reflection of some bad experiences in life. God has already established our worth when he created us to be a beautiful creation of His. Our only job is to hold strong to our Worth, our Heart and not let the World transform us into a cold individual.

I can’t tell you why things happen the way they do, or why relationships don’t work out for me but work out for the person after me. Yet, with each breakup, I’ve learned to fall in Love deeper and deeper with myself. More importantly, I started seeing myself through the eyes of God. I started seeing a beautiful heart, with the potential to Love and give beyond the pain. I’ve come to a place where I found happiness in some one else’s Happiness. I saw myself take the pain, the rejection, and turn it into a tapestry of stronger Love that strengths my heart even today.

So yea, I guess you could say I’m Good Luck Vivi! Yet, unlike the movie I see that statement in a different light. I consider myself as lucky because with each end, God has taught me so much about myself. With each goodbye, I was able to discover what a beautiful Heart God has given me. Through each destruction, I was reminded of the passion with which I Love. I have fallen deeper in Love with the concept of loving someone else, when I realized the depth of Agape, unconditional Love. I would have never understood my worth, if I did not go through the fire.

So, if you are going through something painful today, I want to remind you that You are worthy, you are beautiful, you are perfect, you are indestructible.

Lost and Loving it.

On By vivicomfortIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

“Oh Hello October, 2018, when did ya creep up on me?” That precise question is what I woke up to on October 1st, 2018. I was staring at the ceiling, giving into gravity and refusing to fight against it. It was the sixth day after my 33rd Birthday and I held the day hostage at gunpoint, threatening the World to stop rotating on its axis.

“Omg, why?” were the only 2 words that I could barely get out of my lips, as my head remained in the foggy mess that it has been in for the past few days. I felt like everyone and everything let me down, but most importantly I felt like I let myself down for what seemed like a millionth time. I felt the familiar sense of anxiety start to rise from the bottom of my gut and I quickly washed it down with a dose of “The Daily Bread” (Christian Joke).

I swear I was 25 when I went to bed on September 30th and woke up to a increasingly state of awareness that I was thirty freaking three. That’s it, my life was over. As an Indian female 33 is the age where my eggs had officially met their expiration date. I had expired eggs. So I laid there in bed, staring at the ceiling, thinking how I never wanted to have eggs for breakfast again.

What the hell happened to the “10 things I want to accomplish before I’m 30” list, I pondered. I squinted hard as I tried to remember atleast the top 5 goals on that list, and my eyes began to get wider as I realized the fact that I absolutely accomplished nothing from it. Gravity won once again, as the liquid pooled from the edges of my eyes and overflowed down to my pillow.

I was not disappointed in the fact that I did not accomplish any of the goals I set for myself on that stupid “before 30” list. It hurt more that I was laying there, feeling sorry for myself, and letting gravity make me its slave. For God’s sake! If there’s one thing The Great Mahatma Gandhi has taught me, it is that I  am nobody’s slave! So I sprung up from my bed, freed my shackles and ran into the bathroom.

I looked at myself in the mirror, pointed a finger at my image in the mirror and said to myself “Listen here Vivi, you are not defined by your failures! So what if you’re 33!? You live in an age where your eggs can be harvested and fertilized in someonelses body! (I mean, I’m 33 guys, it’s harder to get back in shape after the whole pregnancy ya know).” Then I said, as the confidence within me began to rise, “You are bold and you are beautiful! You are still Young and maybe a little restless! But these are just the Days of our lives. Someday you will share how ludicrous you felt today with All of your Children.” I stared at that tear stained face and said “Also, no more Daytime Soap Opera titles in your motivation speech.”

Then I wiped away my tears, put a gleaming smile on my face and reached for the toothpaste. The tube was empty. I calmly made my way back to the bed and let gravity make me its side piece once again.

The thing is we all have days when we wake up and feel utterly lost. Days we feel like our World is ending and things like an empty toothpaste tube might push us further into our disappointing thoughts EVEN through our most incredible Daytime themed Soap Opera pep talks!

The Silver lining is in the fact that the Sun DOES set, no matter how powerful of a weapon you chose to hold it hostage! It will set today and rise again to a brand new day tomorrow. Though we might feel lost and inadequate at the moment, it’s not how we are meant to feel forever!

Getting older is a gift. If we see age as a ticking time bomb than we don’t leave space to appreciate the Wisdom it can offer at the current moment. A life lived according to a timeline with no gain in wisdom is worthless. Cherish the moment, which you will wish you were in 10 years from now. Love, live and be the best you can be at this moment! Get out of that bed and go borrow some toothpaste from your roommate or that super cute neighbor who drives that nice jaguar and walks around like he’s too poor to afford buying a shirt.

Do not let the overwhelming feelings of today become a theme of tomorrow. Gravity might win the War today, but Your willingness to keep trying is what will win the Battle in Life.

May Love, Peace and Joy be yours today.

“If I have seen Further it is by standing on the shoulders of giants.” -Sir Issac Newton