Have you ever had a day that everything you have been avoiding just all intersected and pushed, nay, shoved you into opening up the Pandora’s box and unleashing everything you have been avoiding and holding in? No? Well, let me share my story then.

Also…perhaps it’s time ya start introspecting..the year is coming to an end, and 2025 #NewYearNewMe hashtags are about to give birth. If your hashtag is that and your ass is not going to dive into changing, please abandon and go back to #OldMeWontChangeForNothing. I’ve been there, and I’ve done that and trust me, we are not fooling anybody.

Back to my story.

I’ve been dealing with losing someone I thought was going to be my forever. I’m the kind of girl that ironically lived for “forever afters”, which should have already been a red flag for me because we all die and that statement doesn’t exist. There is no “forever after”. Yet, just like many of you beautiful Princess’, I myself was lost in that fictitious fairytale, thanks to Mr. Disney. My view of Love, relationships, and dating was always shrouded in fairy dust and rainbows (not that kind…I’m She/her and am attracted to he/him). So when I met someone that I connected with, I put that view on and pursued the relationship full speed with those darn rose colored glasses. But Alas, what Disney doesn’t tell you is that after Cinderella found her Prince Charming and didn’t have to live that poor wretched life, she still had to deal with the fact that maybe Prince Charming lost his charm once they got married or that maybe she was still dealing with the trauma of being abused by her step mother or maybe talking to animals might have been proof that she was schizophrenic. How come we don’t talk about that? lol.

I had a rude awakening when what I expected did not meet the outcome and the “forever after” and I ended up separating in 2023. Fast forward to a year later and here I am, venturing out into the ever so interesting dating World of latter 2024, telling myself I’m fully healed and ready to conquer Love again. I was ignoring the boxed up hurt, the lost identity, the unprocessed emotion, the rotting years of trauma, covered up with temporary bandages that began to unravel as my guard was struggling to be put down. I ventured out into the dating territory with a subconscious vendetta against those who never caused me harm, and a yearning to numb the pain I was refusing to feel. Just like alcohol, it became an addiction to feel wanted and to feel desired. It was temporary, and I never felt good after but hey, atleast I didn’t have to deal with the festering wound in my heart that needed aid. It was easier to cover it up with another fresh band aid, rather than to rip it all off and deal with the deep seeded, harboring past that unearthed my weaknesses. It was easier for me to keep trudging in this pattern and not look back. What I failed to see is that I was leaving behind victims that had the trauma added on to their own struggles. My pain was leaking onto them in the form of anger. My punching bag for the injustice that happened to me.

Until today. Today the Pandora’s box opened and it forced me to face the reality. I’ve always preached about deconstructing oneself and really understanding themselves in order to heal and reconstruct, but I never realized that I was being a false prophet and not letting myself encounter that. I was living in a fantasy land where all my fears, doubts and uncertainty were found to magically fix themselves when I pulled another man into my circumference of Comfort (pun intended). Yet what I failed it see is that it was “MY” feelings and my thoughts that I was focusing on. This is the essence of unhealed trauma. I was not letting myself heal enough to know that I Am enough to be an asset to another and let that other individual be an asset to my life. I was leaning on them to complete me, to identify me. To heal the pain that was never fixed. Then I understood, If my identity is constantly based on another person or a materialistic thing, then how will I ever learn to Love myself?

Love is a beautiful emotion, addiction, necessity. We need it. We have to have it, yet very few of us really understand or feel its full extent. Today taught me not to give up, not to let go, but to first discover myself. I fought for the fairytale kinda Love for a very long time, and I was so desperate to find it that I compromised and ran through all the red light’s. What I discovered is that unless you really LOVE yourself, you will not be able to give that to another human being. Unfortunately, sometimes, that comes at a heavy cost. As the year is coming to an end, I urge you. Seek healing, love yourself and most importantly never give up. What is for you, will never pass you by.

I will leave you with this. If the World was ending tomorrow, or if there was a zombie attack. Who would lay down their life for you? Think of everyone, you have ever been with. Who would lay down their life for you….?

Love conquers all ❤️